because theres nothing else for me to do.

Check Your Pulse

Are you still alive?

I fucking hope so.

Facebook In The Workplace?

Me and my brothers were having a conversation with my father about facebook last night, as he was having a corporate meeting about it the next day. I am no facebook expert and rarely use it, but I’m not sure either of my brothers even know how to sign out. Every time I do go on facebook however, I am inundated with pointless status updates by people I rarely talk to. The surprising thing is who the main culprits are for abusing their status update button; it is not generally the unemployed graduates on my account with 24hours a day free time - it’s the ones lucky enough to have a job in an office. They are constantly moaning about Monday mornings, public transport, having to actually file reports, the fact they had to stay late, etc, etc. What’s even more shocking is that there are often comments on the updates from their work colleagues agreeing (or ‘liking’) the status, and even more shocking, the same from their bosses. If the people in charge are on facebook just as much, who is clamping down on the use of it? Surely as a manager or boss, time wasting is something you should be discouraging, not commending? I’m sure if everyone in office jobs stopped using facebook they could all have a three day week as I suspect nearly half their time is spent wasted on the internet - mainly on facebook.

Anyway, the conclusion was that my father has decided to block facebook in his office, a decision most likely to go down like an announcement that the coffee machine is broken. Everyone in his office has iPhones and Blackberrys however, so facebook will still be just as accessible to them, just not on their desk computers, the end result I’m sure will be just a string of status updates along the line of, ‘thank god for my iPhone, I can still get on facebook at work!!!’, followed by numerous pointless comments from colleagues like ‘woohoo!’ and ‘me too!’.

In general I think facebook brings out the darker side in people, all the stalking I hear about is frightening, and borderline perverse, not to mention the recent spouts of teenage suicide due to bullying over facebook. Facebook was good while it lasted, and by that I mean, when you just added people you knew, tagged photos of them and left them a comment, maybe arranged a night out. Now however, and I hate to let everyone down, but I’m not interested in adopting your sheep on FarmVille, or helping you reach the 1000 people you need to join your group so someone I don’t know will completely wax their entire body. I’d much rather sit in front of the TV, or play my Playstation. Oh wait….

Sitcoms On TV.

I haven’t seen a fresh new sitcom that’s good in a while. Normally I manage to find one, or hear about one as soon as the last sitcom i’ve been watching finishes. I’ve watched the pilot to so many recently and they have all been dire. Not just the scripts but the acting as well.

My two least favourites are Lunch Monkeys and Off The Hook. Lunch Monkeys is about… well I don’t really know… people working in the mailroom of an office? I’m not sure. There’s way too many characters and they’re all shit and unfunny. And unattractive. There’s no jokes and the plots are all recycled, i.e. sweet guy likes a girl, but the girl gets pregnant with the jackass boss. Nothing original, nothing funny.

And then there’s Off The Hook, which at least is about something - University. Although it’s about as much like University as driving to your grandma’s for dinner. The acting is awful and the main guy is so dislikeable, but not as dislikeable as his best mate, who is introduced with again a recycled storyline, although this time it’s ‘he’s a jackass, but we grew up together, so I feel kinda responsible for him.’ He’s an ugly ginger fat ass, with a high pitched voice. Funny? No. Irritating? Yes. There is however some comic relief however, with that guy from the inbetweeners who made me smirk twice at the end with some one liners. However two smirks doesn’t really make a sitcom. I average three during diagnosis murder.

Hopefully the terrible viewing figures for these will make channel 4 and the BBC punt their money on something good again. I mean it’s not hard. All you need in a good comedy is a script with three solid jokes a page, three intertwined story lines and some people who can act a little bit. And there are countless great sitcoms without some of these points, and some without all three. But they made you laugh so it’s okay cause after all that’s the point of a sitcom. Sadly, laughing is something which frankly television hasn’t made me do in a while, well except when I sometimes catch a bit of Corrie when my mother watches it - that stuff is pure gold!

Universal Truths.

Some universal truths have become apparent to me throughout my lifetime. Here are just a few:

Everyone wants more money.

Everyone tells the truth more when their drunk.

Everybody lies at least once a day.

Everyone is insecure.

Age has almost nothing to do with maturity.

the goodwill of hooligans.

I was at a football game in London recently when the drunk guy in the seat in front lit up a cigarette. It was a football game, and I was engrossed in the action and I didn’t even notice until a women sitting a few seats away made the point of asking him to put it out. For some the public shaming would have been enough to persuade him to put it out. However, he refused and kept on smoking. I thought that was the end of it, and besides I didn’t really want to get involved - I didn’t pay all that money to go there and miss the action by getting mixed up in a smoking debate. Then the guy in front of the smoker stood up, turned around and started to confront the smoker. He was clearly the kind of guy old ladys cross the street to avoid - tattoos, rings, shaved head, clear attitude problem, etc…

‘I think the lady asked you to put that out’

Then some swearing from the drunk guy, and a few of the hooligans mates joined in the protest against the smoker. His argument consisted on them all being fans of the same team, so they shouldn’t argue, and they should let him smoke. I feared that violence was about to ensue and looking at the stewards I could see that they would be able to do little about it. The smoker then asked if they would all like to ‘have a go’ and I was getting ready for the first punch to be thrown. I shouldn’t have worried though because the hooligan then said something that stunned me.

‘We both support the same team and I would never hit a brother, but I will try and stop him killing himself and my brothers around him’.

By this time nearly everyone within in earshot was focusing on the argument and not the game. The guy smoking realised he was beat, put it out and left the game there and then. At full time as everyone was leaving there were many pats on the back and thankyous to the guy who had stood up and confronted the smoker, but he took it in his stride, clearly not wanting the admiration. It reminded me of a quote that always sticks in my head, I have no idea who its by but I know there was a film title based on it.

‘All it takes for evil to prevail is for good men to stand by and do nothing’.

How many times have you or I stood by and done nothing? It can’t always be someone else’s responsibility.

I Can’t Stop Myself.

I just love to play football. I really do. Its been well over 24 hours since I played on Sunday morning and there are still places that hurt (shin splits, bruised rib, sliced open knee, sliced open hip, bruised bicep). It’s nearly always like this after I have played - I really put my body into the game and I always end up with some minor gripe that lasts for a few days. It doesn’t help I get fouled a lot, and I am beginning to get a reputation as a diver, even though I always try and stay on my feet. I like to think its because I’m too quick footed, but more likely it’s because I dally on the ball too long. Either way, when I have to go to work (in a job that only lets me sit down in the car on the way there and back) and my body aches in 5 different places I think ‘why do I bother?’. I sometimes think that next week I’ll just take it easy, and avoid all the crunching tackles that end a 30 yard sprint. But these thoughts generally only last about 10 seconds because I know that as soon as the whistle goes I won’t stop running and I won’t care that their right back is about to two foot me in the ankle because if i just get a nick on the ball, I’ll get the free kick.

I know I will only be able to play football for a limited period of time, and that many people can’t play at all (due to disabilities / weight problems / gender) so I really try and play and enjoy it as much as I can. And besides, if somethings worth doing, it’s worth doing right. Although in truth, I’m not even that great.

High Fidelity.

Nick Hornby’s High Fidelity is a great, great book. It’s the male version of Bridget Jones’ Diary. It’s a great breakup book. It basically just explains to you in its own subtle way that ‘yes, you are a jackass, but so are all men, so it’s okay’. I’ve completely stolen what I’m about to do from the book. That’s right, my top 5 albums of all time. It’s probably gonna take me about a week to fully complete this post, and no doubt I will constantly edit it for another week after that, but here it is… (for now)…

1) Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin III

Amazing. Truly amazing. It combines everything you need from a Zeppelin album. Hard rock from the 70’s (Immigrant Song), acoustic folk masterpieces (Gallows Pole), a truly amazing band performance (Since I’ve Been Lovin’ You) and great guitar work (Bron-Yr-Aur Stomp). In ‘Since I’ve Been Lovin’ You’ Led Zeppelin III manages to contain mine (and my fathers) favourite Zeppelin song of all time and I would recommend anyone to give it a listen. The album would probably make my top 5 on this song alone. For periods in my life, (as lame as it sounds), I have been obsessed with it.  The fact that the other 9 songs on this album are some of Zeppelins best as well means it fully warrants its number one position in my eyes.

2) Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Abattoir Blues / The Lyre of the Orpheus

Technically a double album, but it’s my rules so I’m having it. There are 17 Nick Cave albums in total (I think) and on every album there is at least one song I actually hate. Don’t get me wrong I love Nick Cave but there’s always one. This album has it spot on however, with every track of the highest order. There’s not one bad song on there. Cave’s words on this are lyrically fantastic, and the music is split between being uplifting and fun on Abattoir Blues, and melancholy and reflective on Lyre of the Orpheus. The only downpoint of this album is that you have to change discs half way through. For those of a certain age it’s almost like listening to a casette tape.

3) The Mars Volta - De-Loused In The Comatorium

When I first heard this it was because my good friend David North had won tickets to Reading from their website. He kindly took me so I thought I better give their album a listen. On the first listen I didn’t know what the fuck was going on but then live they blew me away and I gave it a second chance. It’s a perfect album from start to finish, each song linking into the next, creating a flow that sounds more like one song than an album of 11. Special merit goes to this album as well for being responsible for a new chapter in my life, redefining my music writing and my outlook on my future. It also helped me fully discover prog rock and thereafter many other great bands such as King Crimson and Pure Reason Revolution. It also caused my to spend well over a £1000 on effects pedals.

4) Portishead - Live in NYC

Sometimes mid-song I forget this is a live album it is that perfectly executed. Beth Gibbons has a great voice, and being backed up by an amazing band, great songs, and a full orchestra, Live in NYC is a truly sonic masterpiece. For those of you in bands, you will know that there are days when you play well and everyone else plays badly, days when you play badly and everyone plays well, days when you and the drummer are on it, but the singers hungover and so on… And then there was that one magical day when you were all at the top of your game. And it was special. You tried and improvised a new solo that was perfect. The drummer added a fill every 5th bar but somehow it worked. Imagine this day but you are playing some of the best songs written and there is a full orchestra backing you up and some genius of an engineer is recording it. Then you get Live in NYC.

5) Leonard Cohen - Greatest Hits

The first four were easy, then fitting in the fifth was a nightmare. The list of bands that nearly made it is endless: The Velvet Underground, The Doors, Kula Shaker, Pure Reason Revolution, Tool and Camille to name a few. However Leonard Cohens greatest hits just sneaks in above the rest. The songs on it are good, yet they are nothing special. The recordings are pretty sketchy, there are audible mistakes. Cohen is a poet, not a singer, and his voice isn’t fantastic. But it is his voice and his words that draw you uncontrollably in. It’s also unusual in that whether you’re happy or sad the album fits, the songs and words are just true to live, and so honestly spoken that I think it’s impossible not to like.

Good/Bad Week

GOOD

Playing football - Playing your debut at right back then going straight to work = a long shift.

Dukes - Night out drinking with the boys in Chelmsford and not going to sleep. Haven’t done that for a while.

Lie to Me - Series finale was immense. Great TV.

Downloads - So much music and so many films for free. (we’ll all end up paying in the end)

BAD

Money - I’ve decided I’m never gonna have enough to do even 10% of the things and ideas I want to do.

Driving - It just fucks me right off. Old people and women being shit at driving is cliche but true.

Heat - It’s just too fucking hot sometimes. Only so many cold showers I can have per day.

The Recession - Don’t understand it. Where has all the money gone?

Free News?

Rupert Murdoch has announced the end of free news on the internet from his company, NewsCorp. In the UK he owns The Sun and The Times and of course, their websites (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/8186701.stm). Now, I don’t personally use either of these websites. I use, almost exclusively, the BBC website for my news, sport and weather. However, had I been an avid user of these sites, following this news I would probably jump ship and move to a news source that provided the same information for free but that’s just me.

But Rupert Murdoch raises a good point when he says ‘quality journalism is not cheap…’, and it is obvious that this is true. Great journalists will not start to work for free just because of the internet, they still have bills, expenses and families. But then with the advent of the internet we have all, especially my generation, become more and more used to gaining things for free - news, music, films, communication - you name it. Why pay 37p for a stamp when an email is free and instant? Why pay £9.99 for a CD when you can listen on spotify for free? Why pay for The Times Online for your news when the BBC is free?

The BBC has a great advantage over other media outlets as it is publicly funded. This means that whatever the economy is like, there will be money to support it, and it will never require a subscription fee for it. Rupert Murdoch predicts other news corporations will soon follow his lead and start asking for subscription fees for their news. Does this mean the end of independent news? Will everyone just seek out the free BBC news website instead?

I am inclined to compare the situation to television, where the BBC is free and then you can additionally pay for SKY or Virgin, etc, if you choose. These companies make large profits and still have a large share of the market. However, there is a major difference between the two, as television channels have significantly different content, whereas the news for one day is the same for all news outlets.

There is also another debate surrounding the BBC website at the moment, of how much of the license fee should go to funding BBC online. Is it fair that I pay the same as my grandparents for watching TV, using the BBC news website, downloading programs off iPlayer and having Radio1 on in my car as opposed to them only sitting and listening to the radio a few hours a day?

It is interesting how things will change and how we all adapt. If the subscription fee does come in for The Times and The Sun then some will pay, others will change to free news outlets. I’m sure that The Times and The Sun will get some subscribers, which will increase their income from nothing to something, surely a good move, even if it means less viewers.

In changing times some companies will come up with new strategies to make revenue, others will rest on their laurels. Some will succeed and survive, others will fail. It really is survival of the fittest on a scale Darwin could never imagine.

Or maybe in today’s corporate world it’s survival of the greediest.

Joseph Croot is…

Why does everybody use facebook so much? Serious Question. Is the anybody under the age of thirty I know that doesn’t have a facebook? More to the point, why the hell is everyone hell bent on constant status updates? (So much so the next craze was Twitter - which from what I gather is only status updates. Sadly I have never used Twitter so it would be hypocritical of me to criticise it. Oh what the hell - it sounds shit.)

Let us be honest now, most peoples status updates are pointless and quite frankly a little pathetic. Some are even really pathetic. As a test, I’m going to go on facebook now and i’ll tell you the last three status updates that came through my ‘news’ feed. I’ll analyse them, and decide whether they were worth it. I will not put the posters names to protect privacy. I hope they are good ones…. (I’m gonna literally copy and paste so excuse any spelling/grammar mistakes.)

1)XXXXX thought his freeview box had died, scary couple of minutes!
2)XXXXX do i really have to pay the best part of £400 for a whippet?
3)XXXXX should really stop thinking.

Right so lets dissect these shall we. Person 1 states that their freeview box has died. Or at least they thought so. Do I give a fuck? Not at fucking all. If it had said that they themselves had died then maybe I would care a bit more. It’s a guy I know I will never see again, and I have only met a few times. So even if they had died, it would be of little consequence to me. I’d maybe spare a quick thought for the family, then get on with my day. And besides, If they had died, they would hardly post about it on facebook anyway. They would be far to busy sorting out their funeral.

Person 2 has the most unusual status update. This is from someone I call a ‘facebook friend’, i.e. someone I know but I have no real interest in and will probably never see again, yet that request came through, and it’s rude to press the ignore button if you’ve actually met them right? This time a friend of a close friend. I don’t understand this status, in fact, probably only a few people do. It’s clearly an in-joke. Again, this is of no concern to me, I really don’t give a fuck.

Person 3 has the most obvious cry for attention as her status update. It’s from - as you can probably guess - a girl. Although I don’t put it past some of the more ‘metrosexual’ guys out there to post shit like this. This being a brand new status there are no comments, but I’m sure within half an hour there will be replies such as ‘what’s up hun? xxx’ from their equally insecure friends. Rarely does the person reply with what the actual problem is, after all it’s far to personal for facebook, or else the post would probably read ‘XXXXX can’t stop thinking about how he cheated, is crying, angry and close to suicide…’. So what the hell was the point in this post? If you’re gonna be this ambiguous I really don’t give a fuck. If you’re gonna reach out to someone, give your close friend a call, cause again, I really don’t give a fuck. (Unless I’m the close friend of course).

So that’s status updates debunked for you. They are a load of old tosh aren’t they.

Now I was gonna leave my facebook rant at just status updates but i’ve decided to throw a cheeky short rant about the uproar over the facebook redesigns, which has happened twice since I have been using it. Remember last time? All the groups that sprung up such as: ‘One Trillion Against the New Facebook’, I Hate the New Facebook Layout’, and the classic ‘How To Get the Old Facebook Back’. They all seem a little bit like overreacting now don’t they? After giving it probably two whole days everyone had adjusted accordingly. And now I bet most people couldn’t tell me the difference between this and the old facebook.

It kinda reminds me of the first time they changed facebook and everyone started these groups. Kind of ironic really. First time they did a redesign everyone hated the new one as well, which we will call facebook.2. Everyone called for the original facebook to be restored. But then everyone got used to facebook.2 and grew to love it. But then they bought out facebook.3 and everyone went mad again, saying how much they loved facebook.2 so much more, the very version of facebook they had hated so passionately not so long ago. But the real question is: do they still love the original facebook better than facebook.2? Or have they grown to love facebook.3 better now?

Maybe we should all just be happy we have the option to have facebook and that we are not starving with AIDS in Africa. Wait a second… that sounds good… I feel a status update coming on….